Out Here On MY Own

I remember a song sung by Irene Cara on the soundtrack for the movie, Fame. "Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been--who I am--do I fit in? Make-believin’ is hard alone, out here on my own... We’re always proving who we are--always reaching for that rising star, to guide me far and shine me home--out here on my own." When I first heard that song, I think I was in junior high school, standing on the threshold of adolescence, trying to make sense of so many conflicting feelings. I lived in a small town that seemed so far from everything meaningful in the world. The lives I saw played out on TV didn’t really resemble my life at all. In many, many ways I felt isolated, and Irene Cara’s performance seemed to capture all of the melancholy and disillusionment I often felt with my life. It was comforting.

There have been many times in my life when I have felt lonely and times when I’ve felt alone. I’m not sure if the two feelings are exactly the same. In fact, there were times when I felt intense loneliness and was sitting in the same room with another person. Loneliness, perhaps, has more to do with that feeling that we aren’t truly seen or understood by those people with whom we share our lives, the people whose validation and recognition is so highly prized, made all the more precious by the fact that it is not easily attained. "Alone" feels different. My ability to embrace and welcome that alone feeling seems to run along a continuum. There are times when I cherish a moment alone, and other times when the thought of being alone is overwhelmingly frightening.

Lately, I’ve begun to understand a new kind of "alone." At times, this new "alone" is accompanied by true loneliness, but for the most part, the feeling is a comfortable contentment. This type of "alone" is tempered by hope and promise. This "alone" gives birth to independence and self-reliance. This "alone" opens doors to self-discovery, radical self-acceptance, and unconditional self-love. I am learning what it means to truly be "out here on my own," and the lesson is beautiful.

I’m beginning to see how much I have to offer others... I’m learning to cherish my sensitivity and soft-heartedness. I’m realizing that I am a deeply introspective and slightly complicated individual, and I’m okay with that. I’m returning to those elements of my personality that I have loved well but let die in the shadow of another...I’m living life creatively and with passion, allowing impulse to carry me away from time to time, apologizing to no one. I’m letting my proverbial hair down and giving in to that part of my soul that has a penchant for flights of fancy. I’m encouraging my inner critic to be more open to people, to experience, and to change. I’m embracing what we all know--We pass this way only once!

"Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been--who I am--do I fit in? I may not win, but I can’t be thrown...out here on my own!"